1. Have a plan
One of the worst errors to make when starting to co-parent is to make it up as you both go along. Don’t take the situation how it comes or make impulsive decisions, even when you can feel under pressure and emotions can run high.
A separating couple needs to agree on key issues like sharing time with and caring for the kids, how the kids will be protected from disagreements and disputes, when and how the family finances will be split and what the expectations of each other will be in this new situation. A timeline laying out exactly what steps you’ll each be making and by what date can be a real help to keep you on track.
2. Make real changes
Couples can easily fall into the trap of making the decision and then not making any real changes – especially if there is a period of cohabitation as well as co-parenting. This can cause resentment among the adults and can be deeply confusing for the children. It denies them the chance to adjust and offers them false hope that things can get back to the way they were.
3. Be clear
On that point, it’s often said that a divorce or breakup is hardest on the children. However obvious you may think your deteriorating relationship with your partner has been, announcing the final decision will always be a bombshell. Be clear and honest and keep being so as the process continues. This is all the more important if the adults are cohabitating for a time. Always reassure the kids that a marriage or relationship is different from a family, and that while the first has ended the other has not.
4. Stay focussed
Also, stay focussed on your new role as co-parents – this is where your children will gain reassurance and strength and will be the thing that will endure into the future. Clear communication and honesty will keep things running as smoothly as they can. There are co-parenting apps that let you both share information, such as calendars and schedules and provide a neutral space to communicate in your new roles as co-parents. A short-written agreement or ‘mission statement’ confirming what your agreed priorities are can help here.
5. Be positive
When a relationship between parents has broken down, it’s easy – almost inevitable – for them to dwell on things that went wrong and the negative aspects of that relationship. While the causes of the breakup shouldn’t be overlooked and certainly shouldn’t be dismissed in an attempt to ‘smile through it’, too much negativity doesn’t help the ongoing co-parenting relationship.
Take stock of things that both of you have done well in the present. If you’ve managed to handle some of the separation process amicably, then you shouldn’t let a bump further down the road damage the new co-parenting partnership.
6. Know your options
Every relationship and every divorce are different. While the tips above can provide a good chance of things going as smoothly as they can, situations can change. Unfortunately, relationships are not always healthy or amicable before the agreement to divorce is made, and some turn toxic and unpleasant – or worse – under the different pressures of co-parenting and separation. In the worst cases, the children become bargaining chips or leverage.
While you will hopefully never have to use them, there are legal steps that can be taken in situations like this – for instance, a Prohibited Steps Order can prohibit a parent from doing something concerning their parental responsibility, such as changing a child’s surname or relocating the child to another country or a significant distance away.
